Cracker Ass Comedy - Online Comedy Broadcasting. Cardiff

Before the 1990’s, celebrities were people you looked up to. Film stars, athletes, writers, they were people you aspired to be, people who were gifted at what they did. Then with the invention of reality TV and Heat magazine, everything went tits up.

Who’s a celebrity these days? There’s no actual qualification needed. Just like how the Guinness book of records has become not a salute to those who are capable of incredible feats but a pitiful acknowledgment of those who are willing to do amazingly stupid or disgusting things in order to get attention.

I’m impressed by someone who can run 100 metres in 9.5 seconds or circumnavigate the globe single handed, but if you expect me to respect someone who can blow an extra long noodle through their nose, or can eat a whole glass bottle in under an hour, I’d tell you to piss off.
And it’s gone that way with celebrities. I remember looking up to celebrities. The name means someone who is ‘celebrated’. Who was the last person to celebrate Tara Palmer Tompkinson? I fantasize about shagging Angelina Jolie, I fantasize about running over Paris Hilton with an articulated lorry.

Even the people who churn out these attention seeking wastes of carbon are confused as to who qualifies as a celebrity these days. Look at celebrity big brother. The ‘celebrity’ implies that the people involved would be famous, not ‘was partially famous for 6 minutes in 1987’. And this year, who was the special guest? Jade Goody, a mongoloid who failed to win the Big Brother for ‘regular’ people 4 years ago. The whole point of her is that she’s not a celebrity, but she is. And that Chantelle thing, she’s a celebrity for not being a celebrity. My brain is beginning to ache.

I find there’s a good rule of thumb for spotting fake celebrities. For example, if they’ve got an autobiography out despite being under 25, they know full well they probably won’t be famous when they reach that age (Boxer Amir Khan is an exception). But here’s a useful list. If someone’s a celebrity for any of the following reasons, they aren’t celebrities.

Winning a ‘reality’ TV show in the last 6 months.
Being seen at exclusive parties.
Having rich/famous parents.
Sucking a bloke’s cock and having the video of it shown on the net.
Being too fat.
Being too thin.
Working for Halifax.
Working anywhere that’s been filmed as part of a documentary.
Having a famous girlfriend/boyfriend.
Having no talent.
Marrying David Beckham.
Shagging David Beckham.
Masturbating livestock.
Dressing like a terrorist.
Crashing a royal party.
Going to jail for any reason.
Having sex with anyone who’s ever been in the paper.
Being Graham Norton.

Many of the best examples of non-celebrities can be seen in the comic relief video for ‘Walk this way’, performed by Girls Aloud Vs The Sugababes. Which is itself a stupid concept. The vacuous manufactured pop tarts that are Girls Aloud could never hope to contend with the pure sexy skilfulness that is the Sugababes (I confess I’m a fan after having a weird dream where I had sex with all three of them at once. It was great, like a pornographic Benetton advert)

Dean Burnett - 10/03/07

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God Bless Dean Burnett. Not only does he save me the hassle of writing this weeks article, he also wrote a review of a gig at The Hawaiian in which we were both performing and the BBC were filming. And he said I did good, so there.

Beware of this telephone scam.

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Dan and Neil 19

I have just returned from Iceland. It is a pristine, spectacular and mystical place. It's clean, the people are friendly and the water is as pure as an angel's tears. Sadly, I had to come back to the floating turd that is Britain. Though it's not all bad. Booze is cheap and the pigeon population is thriving on an abundant diet of inner-city, post-binge vomit.

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Dave Chappelle is allowed to drop the 'N' Bomb...

This is an example of the struggle animators face every day at work...

Yucko the Clown. I accept no responsibility...

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Take That hit the number one spot again this week whilst Robbie Fucking Williams languishes in rehab. Does this video remind anyone else of the movie The Big Lebowski?

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